". . . our stories are what make the difference, and if we can tell them honestly we can hope to help each other. In the end, we have nothing to offer each other but our stories." ~ Emma Lou Thayne

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Shades of Gray for Cinco de Mayo

It's been a while since I did a REAL POST. I have several that are PRIVATE. LOL!! I usually do my ranting on a totally private one. Honestly, my intention was to try to keep this blog as positive as possible. That kind of goes along with my always pretending things are OK. I attribute my AWESOME skills and talents going ALL the way back to childhood. I won't go into the ugly details there, but I wouldn't go back for ANYTHING! It was my duty to the family to pretend like all was good and not embarrass the family anymore. I STUFF things so far down that sometimes in private, I feel like I'm choking. So just because I smile and pretend, doesn't necessarily make it so.

Lately I've been SO out of whack with my sleep patterns. It's to the point that when I feel like I could sleep, if I'm able I just GO! No matter WHAT time of day. MOSTLY NOT normal hours for one to sleep. I've been off my meds for quite a while now and I've been dealing with a lot of mixed mania, too. I feel like I have NO support. Things have gotten more difficult and I feel like family thinks if they ignore it, it's not real. I don't want to be a pain and I consciously CAN control myself from going out of control and abusing the ones I love. The STIGMA crap is even amongst my family. Those that should be supportive and understanding. Those that should want to help me avoid the situations that trigger episodes. But instead, I get "Oh, you'll be fine..." or "You've done things like this before, it's no big deal..." OR here's the kicker... "I think it's just AADD, you are too responsible to be bipolar." What the HECK does THAT mean??? Obviously I'm further out of my mind than I thought!!! YES!!! I DREAMED this ALL up!! Just like things that happened when I was young that I had to pretend never happened so I didn't embarrass the family... So SUCK it up and ACT NICE!!! THAT'S what I DO!!! I rant and explode on private blogs and frequently delete them because I don't want anyone to come across them and know how NUTS I REALLY am... *sigh*  Hey! It's better than exploding at people and saying what comes to my mind... Then I'd REALLY be ALONE!! Not just alone in my emotions... Well, it's not like anyone really reads anything I write anyway... I'm too long winded. I don't know how to get to the point... Had the same problem with school papers, too. TOO descriptive... ??? I'm a good rambler, see I can go in all kinds of directions. My brain jumps tracks and I don't even notice it frequently. GAH!

So today is a bad one and no one even notices. But the beef chunks are going to go bad if I don't cook them up so I need to make something with that tonight... Yeah... didn't sleep again last night and although I feel like I probably could at the moment, I must go be RESPONSIBLE so I can offer more proof of how the mixed mania is in my head because I CAN MAKE myself play nice when I'm not able to HIDE.  Sorry for this shocking reality of what is the private ME at times. The depression has been bad lately. Actually, I think the beef chunks will wait one more day. Sloppy Joe's will be much quicker and easier.  ;p

Want a good laugh??? Off my meds since like Thanksgiving, including my blood pressure meds, not to mention having fallen OFF the healthy habits... I had this test done that puts me about 2 decades OLDER than my husband that IS 2 decades older than me! HAH!! Now I'm supposed to take this supplement to make my heart and arteries stronger. Since it put my age at over 90 at the moment... (Yeah... well if you want to give me anxiety and send my heart rate up, tell me to sit with my feet flat on the floor when my feet don't REACH, tell me to be still and quiet. Ever seen my foot tapping in the temple? I TRY, REALLY I DO!!) So I should die of a heart attack anytime.  ;p   Maybe that would be a blessing.  Really!! I'm at the NOT caring phase of my weight again. Then I get the lectures about how diet makes ALL the difference... stay away from everything white... bread, sugar, pasta... I DON'T CARE ENOUGH right now to even THINK about it. I have no motivation to stick to my regular health plan that I've been intending to get back to ALL YEAR...  ENDURE to the END... I'm enduring... So why prolong more and keep me from that peace????

Don't worry, I wouldn't do anything STUPID! I'm too responsible for THAT!  ;p  However, I do look forward to returning to the peace of my home in heaven where I won't have the physical and mental limitations that hold me back here. Also, KNOWING that Christ DOES KNOW what I go through and can relate and loves me in spite of me... THAT's a GOOD THING for me to ALWAYS REMEMBER.  ...and I DO!

2 comments:

Megan Dewey Clark said...

woah Holly... Are you sure you should come off drugs? I want to get off drugs because they are of the devil so I don't blame you... but you sound like you are struggling a bit to much... and that you're too responsible to be bipolar garbage irritates me. My family has always been ignorant.. but accepting, but to have people ignore it like it is embarrassing or what you go through is no fun. reading your post it seems kinda frantic and manic and I know how that feels.... I had to go a week without drugs because of a change in insurance and that is exactly how I felt... it is not cool.... and it makes enduring difficult... but enduring has definitely been easier since that little episode being back on drugs...

Holly said...

Thanks for reading/caring/commenting Megan. And THANK YOU for giving me SOMEONE to relate to and understand!! (((HUGS)))
ACTUALLY, about the meds... we went on a trip in NOV that although it's "FUN" and all... I was stressed beyond belief and had some major HIDING of it to do. This is hubby's retirement time and this is what he LOVES to do. It was with a group of members of his extended family and his oldest sister was IN OUR CABIN, too. *sigh* I have found that I do better when it's just him and me because I have HIM...

I'd just had an appointment before this trip and I felt SO MUCH like I was talking to a WALL. I decided I was NOT going back to him... I chose a new FP doc, but every time I've gone to make the appointment, I get an anxiety attack and put it off. This has been a weekly thing thinking I REALLY NEED to get in... and every week I procrastinate it... *sigh* So I just ran out of everything and haven't really wanted to start from square one again... I've also been thinking I need to go back to therapy... yeah... same story... I'm just kind of spinning my wheels. I know the meds help, but I'd REALLY like to find ones that work well... Maybe I'm in LaLa Land and it doesn't exist. I agree, no meds isn't working for me... I've GOT to go NOW... I'm going with my sister to help my aunt who's in stage 4 cancer for a week. No hubby, no dog (I can't believe how I RELY on them to FUNCTION...) and I don't know HOW to fake it 24/7. YIKES!! I go on the 19th!! Then hubby and I are the chairmen of the food committee for TREK... ??? I've NEVER turned DOWN a call... but OMG... HOW am I going to get through this??? (((HUGS)))

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