". . . our stories are what make the difference, and if we can tell them honestly we can hope to help each other. In the end, we have nothing to offer each other but our stories." ~ Emma Lou Thayne

Monday, May 17, 2010

Where Can I Turn for Peace? by Emma Lou Thayne

Where Can I Turn for Peace? 

LDS Hymn no. 129

1. Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

2. Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

3. He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.

Text by Emma Lou Thayne (b.1924. song copyrighted 1973) - An Inspiration to ME

This is the lady that was on the show on BYU channel that I discussed in an earlier post. I had mistakenly thought it was "I Need Thee Every Hour"... Although, THAT one is really good and speaks to me, also! I have actually used verse 2 in my Facebook profile a couple times. That's the verse that speaks the loudest to me. She is an author and poet and has published several books. I think it's time to check into more of her work. She and her family (ancestors as well as descendants) have dealt with various facets of mental challenges.

KNOWING that even though majority of the people in this world may never understand the things that affect another and how, CHRIST DOES KNOW! There's a comfort in knowing that and that he has been there and understands.

So I'm freaking out a little today. It's my own fault and I know that, but it doesn't change the fact that it's taken me 5 months to get motivated enough to call and make an appointment with the individual I chose for my new doctor and they don't have any new patient appointments until Friday. The trip I'm going on WAS my motivation because I've been stressing over it a LOT and I don't know HOW I'm going to fake even somewhat normal 24/7 for a whole week!! If I go back to my old doctor I'm going to get the lectures about my negligence... stopping meds abruptly and not following through on scheduling to keep up with the meds and such... Yet he's the one that just checks off the next item on the list and didn't really LISTEN to anything I would SAY... So since I decided to change, I haven't gone back to him... And I've had a REAL hard time making the move to start again. Now that the trip to Texas with my sister to help my aunt in stage 4 cancer is upon me, I'm REALLY falling apart. I really don't know what kind of HELP I can be in this condition. I won't have hubby or my dog; the ONLY 2 things in the world that seem to help me come back to earth....

I'm also FREAKING out about the Trek coming up too fast. I KNEW it would come... but I thought things would get BETTER by THEN. It's not... It's not like I can fake it under pressure around the clock and perform my duties well when I can't sleep like a normal person or react normally under pressure. Faking it a few hours here or there is one thing... Around the clock is quite another....

So KNOWING ME... I will NOT make any appointment and I'll go without blood pressure meds, anything to help me stay balanced or deal with the anxiety... and by the time it's all done, I'll have an aunt, uncle, cousin, and sister that will want nothing more to do with me because they had NO IDEA what a WHACK job I REALLY AM...

To top it off, hubby has been gone to SoCal since last Wednesday and things have been crazy around here. I haven't accomplished half of what I needed to. He's driving home today and I'll be stressed and only have 1 day with him. He'll probably be glad I GO. It's probably been a nice break for him... I don't know how he puts up with me and our 12 yr old... *sigh*   Some days I just want to hit the SNOOZE button on my brain and totally ZONE OUT till it passes.  Sorry to DUMP... I'll be doing some serious praying... Prayers are welcome. 


Megan Dewey Clark said...

Oh Holly. You definitely need to go to a doctor. Even a new one if necessary. I do know it was a miracle that I was able to go on trek my sophomore year but there is no way I would ever be able to go again. Is it your calling to do that because maybe you should talk to someone about it. If you are stressing out about it and if realistically you can't do it you need to tell someone. Don't trigger yourself to get in an even worse situation

Holly said...

I'm lucky to have you Megan!! (((HUGS)))
It IS my calling. Hubby and I were called as the chairmen of the FOOD committee. So WE (with our committee) are responsible to organize and get the food out to EVERYONE. I've NEVER turned down a calling. I was slightly hesitant especially because the migraines were so frequent at that time. I looked to hubby in hopes that he would catch on... Sometimes I think he thinks I can FAITH it away. He said it would all work out and they gave me a blessing. SO there goes that FAITH thing again... Part of the reason I chose this doctor is also because he IS the doctor that will be on TREK. I'm even reluctant to turn in the medical form. I figured if he WAS my doctor and knew the extent, HE would either NOT sign the medical form and say "She's OUT"... or at least he would BE there and have a CLUE. Even the thought of others on the TREK knowing all my medical garbage gives me anxiety. Yet, KNOWING him has given me anxiety about going, too. But what does it matter now? Here it ALL is... SPELLED out for the WORLD to see... BUT nobody really reads it... except you. ;D Thanks for being a friend! (((HUGS)))

Holly said...

I survived and without too much trauma!! ;D

I will post in the next few days about it but I have the CBC starting tonight and will be a bit busy. It's sad because she needs more help than I can give being so far away, and yet, I think it would be good for both of us if I were closer. *sigh*

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