". . . our stories are what make the difference, and if we can tell them honestly we can hope to help each other. In the end, we have nothing to offer each other but our stories." ~ Emma Lou Thayne

Thursday, June 3, 2010

WHERE have ALL the GOOD men GONE? *I GOT HIM!*

Foxy Fine posed this question in a forum on Blog Frog and this is my FULL response.  (She just got a snippet.)  =D

I was one of the lucky ones... I, too, had sworn off relationships due to REALLY BAD experienceS.  I was avoiding them!! A friend was trying to line me up with her friend... She was trying to play matchmaker... (We ALL have a friend like that...) We were both avoiding the others!!  LOL!! I even had a BABY with me!! I brought him on purpose to be sure to SCARE the GUY AWAY!  He was a widower and had 6 children (half grown...). His wife had died of brain cancer. Their youngest had just turned 12... My oldest was 8. (8, 6, and NEWBORN!)  There was no intention of flirtation or anything, just casually talking. When asked about his wife, he spoke with almost a reverence and respect. It was later that night when a tiny window opened in my mind... I thought, "If I'm ever STUPID ENOUGH to TRY AGAIN, I PRAY I find someone like HIM." The next day he discovered my coat had been left behind (which he teases to this day that I left it on PURPOSE... & of COURSE I counter that he HID it from me... LOL!) and could he bring it to me? And if he was going to drive ALL the way out to where I lived, could he take me to lunch??? In curiosity... yet still a little defense, I countered "only if the baby can go..."  His reply, "OF COURSE!"  When he first declared his love I cried and he instantly felt bad like he'd done something wrong. I DID have feelings... But I didn't fully TRUST my own judgement anymore. I asked if he'd go see my counselor with me and he said, "OF COURSE!" Now I don't know about any of YOU... but in my past experience, you ask most men to go to a counselor and they jump on the defensive and adamantly REFUSE... NOT this one... and when I felt it necessary to start bringing things up from my past... Well... let's just say he does a REALLY GOOD RAFIKI impression, "It doesn't matter, it's in the past!" He WAS too good to be true... but he WAS!! ...the rest is HISTORY...  *sigh*

That little baby and I have probably been the biggest challenges he's ever faced... and he smiles endlessly and exercises more patience than I ever knew existed!! So... there may be more out there, but they are rare. You are not likely to find him in a night club, chat room, phone dating... He is not the type that would ever consider a one-night-stand... He makes a commitment and holds true to it. He will respect you and love you just the way you are. He will not compare you to women from his past, he won't embarrass you in a crowd for a laugh... He will be a man of God who will share your faith. He will not dig up your faults, but will look for ways to build you up.

Don't instantly hit the off key in your brain because he doesn't look like a rock/movie star or is a little older... It's amazing how getting to know a person changes the way they look to you. Personality can make a wall flower gorgeous and a "hunka'-hunka' burnin' love"  downright UGLY!! Think of the story of Stephanie Nielson and the love she and her husband share. ANYONE who knows her spirit can ONLY see the BEAUTY that she radiates!

If you find him, cherish him. Don't look for ways to change him. Don't brow beat him, belittle him or trash him to your family or friends. A wise man once counseled: “Before marriage keep thine eyes wide open, then after marriage keep them half closed.”  This doesn't mean be overly picky before and ignorant after... This means don't be "blind" going into the relationship. KNOW and CHOOSE your partner! After the choice, don't nit-pick all the little things that really DON'T MATTER... This is what he does for me.

 If I got the last one, I'm sorry... But I wouldn't trade him for the WORLD!  (((HUGS)))


Kristina P. said...

I love this post. I met my husband online, actually. It could have turned out so bad! But I got a good one. We've been married 6 years, and genuinely have a good relationship. Not perfect, but good.

bernthis said...

inspirational. I will not change anyone, I know that now, one thing the divorce taught me which is why I dumped the guy I was briefly dating.

I've been alone 5 plus years, I can wait.

Holly said...

Kristina P: "Perfect" is FICTION
Mine's not perfect, but I look at what is important. There are so many things that just aren't WORTH all the heartache. It's all the little things that add up to a BIG MESS... So ACCEPTING those imperfections and not thinking you'll "make him change" is most important. I have so many MORE imperfections than HIM... He's so easy-going... I WISH my outlook could be more like his. I learn a lot from him.

Jessica, I learned the hard way... TWICE!! (We don't TALK about #2!! I was already pregnant and filing for a protective order and annulment on "Prince Charming" just 6 weeks from when we got married... *sigh*) It's better to NOT go THERE in the first place than be strapped to something that's going to make you miserable, exaggerate your flaws, take you for granted, etc... You're WISE to pay attention to the red flags that could end up a problem. SO NOT WORTH IT. There's some good ones out there. Patience will find him and he will love you the way you are and bring out your BEST! And you KNOW he will HAVE to have a sense of humor! =D (((HUGS)))

Paula & Skip said...

Holly what a wonderfuls tory. No perfect doesnt exist and I am truly grateful for that. I had a hard time with men and even Skip. We both grow so much and become better persons by the day. Out of love not out of force! And yes, he is attending counelling with me. Hugs across the pond

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