". . . our stories are what make the difference, and if we can tell them honestly we can hope to help each other. In the end, we have nothing to offer each other but our stories." ~ Emma Lou Thayne

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The TRIAL WIFE: Delusional... Bipolar Crap?


Confession Wednesday Button

Karen is STILL off doing GOOD!! Hope she's loving it!
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I AM the TRIAL wife! ...as in, hubby's trial IN life! I've told him that he is so easy going and nothing gets him down, so God decided that he needed something that would really be a challenge for him to earn his place in Heaven. Hmmm... guess that would be ME!

I have been slipping further and further down in a rut. Pretty sure I need an adjustment on these meds... Need to step up my treatment... I've been feeling like reality is hitting me upside the head and the things I've wanted to believe aren't really so... I'm looking at things in life and feeling totally broken, unfixable, unimportant, unlovable... I have abandonment issues from the past... As I can logically think this and bipolar may be it, my emotions run with it as reality. I pray it's not... But in thinking on many of the things that have been eating at me, I'm not seeing or feeling support that I need or like to think I've had from the ones that should love me... my family. Can't go into it much today... Some days are so messed up and I'm feeling like going back to the blog title of Endure to the End, again. Gee... people could tell my mood swings by the changing of my blog titles back and forth.  ;p  At any rate, I'm feeling much more like an ugly lump of coal than a potential beautiful diamond. Sometimes I want to go into cold storage until there's a magical fix all... or just quit altogether...  Thursday night I have to sleep at a "SLEEP CENTER" to be fittedfor a CPAP mask and have the oxygen adjusted... HOW am I supposed to SLEEP in a strange place while being WATCHED??? GAH??? Dying in my sleep doesn't sound so bad... What if I just don't go?  ;p  *sigh*
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I blog because I like to pretend/think somebody cares. And actually, I have found many wonderful people here and have found support that I never knew existed. I can "POUR MY HEART OUT" and not have to see anyone's eyes glass over because soem of it truly isn't very exciting... *YAWN FEST* This is therapeutic. I can share highs and lows. I WISH they could all be highs... but when I hit those lows, this is the ONLY place I can let it out. (and scare away all my readers...)

Family doesn't come here... and if they do, they only lurk and pretend like they don't. It's certainly easier to pretend that bipolar isn't real than the reality of it... Just "get over it..." Right? I open up in a way that I try very hard to conceal in real life. Sometimes I feel like I may burst if I don't get it out. Frequently it feels like family only cares when it's convenient or when I'm doing for them... Sometimes not even then... I try to put on a happy face and pretend like all is well... even when I'm dying inside. And when I am too overwhelmed to put on the facade, I find an excuse and hide. Quite frankly, I don't matter at those times. So long as I don't bring attention to myself and bring others down.

Quite frankly, I have to look at reality and realize that I AM so disposable. They probably would be better off without me. I knew I had a troubled past when I met my husband. In his perfect impression of Rafiki he declared that "It doesn't matter, it's in the past." He said what was important is who I was then and where we we headed together. Oh how I adored him!! But I had no idea the extent of the mental effect it all had taken on me or the genetics that lie lurking under the surface just waiting to disrupt the fragile future. IF we'd HAD a CLUE... would things have been different? Probably... 

So now, those words that were such a comfort to me then, sometimes haunt me, now. I honestly felt like any depression/mania type situations I'd dealt with in my past were due to life circumstances that were thrust upon me. I was sure that with this man by my side, with his support, these things would all remain in the past. Oh how I wish it were true. And OH how I wish things could easily roll of my shoulders into oblivion the way it does him. I am so ultra sensitive to judgments of others. When my mind races, it is usually like a broken record player playing all my doubts, fears, and the criticisms of others repeatedly in my mind. It has a crippling effect on me.

If he'd known that I was bipolar then (neither of us were aware of it then...), would he have run in the opposite direction? Is he only with me now out of obligation? Because he's too good a person to walk away to an easier life? Trade me up to a new and improved model... One that deserves the respect of his children and grandchildren... Well, they have the better one they can get back to in the next life...

I'm working on bringing the positive back. I'll have SOMETHING positive tomorrow!! I PROMISE!


(aka Endure to the End!)

15 comments:

Mhel said...

Hi there Holly! thanks for your comforting words, and for following my blog as well. I will truly miss my dog. Following you back now. Reading on your previous post and your "about me" I believe that you have your tough times dealing with bipolar. Hope that blogging will somehow be therapeutic for you. I hope that you are feeling much better now. Hugs!

Shell said...

Blogging the ups and downs just makes you real.

Thanks for linking up!

T said...

my mom did that CPAP mask fitting thing about a year ago... and seriously said that she'd never had a better night's sleep. apparently her house is not restful :)

Cluttered Brain said...

((HUGS))
Hang in there babe!
I hope all goes well for you and your family!
Sending my prayers!

Nett said...

Pretend to care? My sweet friend..no pretending here, I do care, a lot. I know that no matter if I say that I think you are wonderful, that you have had such a DRAMATIC IMPACT on my finding hope an happiness when all that around me is swirling in chaos, that you might not fully believe it. But hopefully, you have no problem in believing that I KNOW you are an amazing person. You ARE a wonderful woman, and all that you have gone through and continue to go through have brought you to the place where you have done the most good. You are a love-bringer my dear sister! I hope the funkies leave you soon!

Love you lots!
Nett

Tim said...

May I begin with this?

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

I understand the idea of venting to let out frustrations, because we don't want to hurt or offend. But trust me, you will. The problem with venting, in my experience, is rarley does the person venting come up with solutions. Therefore it is always a problem. No one wants to be told what to do, but we ask anyway. I can pay more than I think its worth for a personal trainer at the gym, but if I don't make the decision to run on the treadmill or pick up the weight I will end up with expensive pointers.


"There are no guarantees. From the viewpoint of fear, none are strong enough. From the viewpoint of love, none are necessary."
- Emmanuel

Fear is one of two things. It can be the beginning of a courageous experience that leads forward to another. You will gain wisdom regardless of the outcome. It can also keep you "safe" by running away or hiding. If you run away and hide long enough you will get caught. Meet fear face to face and you will always learn something.

"Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right."
- Henry Ford

It looks to me that YOU need to recreate some of the great moments with Hubby. Life happens and we all have changes in our lives. Don't let that change the fact that someone still loves you. If you don't feel loved I can promise that it's because you stopped loving yourself. Show love for yourself and I gaurantee yourself will improve.

Smile: if you can't lift the corners, let the middle sag.
- Anonymous

Last but not least, MOVIE QUOTE...

"Life is pain ,Highness, anyone who tells you any differently is selling something." The Princess Bride

Sarah said...

I really hope things get better for you soon. As for the CPAP, it will change your life, ask my mom. She griped for about the first week or two but then when it all settled down she said it was the best thing she'd ever done! As for the bipolar...that's a tough road too but it's good that you can blog about it. That's therapeutic. :)

Holly said...

Tim: On my sidebar are links that explain bipolar. While I do not consider myself an extreme case, there are things that are very difficult to deal with. Some people get so caught up in the false stigma that floats around about it. At any rate, I am only honest here. I don't always spell it out to the extent... but let's just say a "vent" definitely helps prevent a personal meltdown or worse, a blow-up directly toward the ones you love most. Tell me what is worse??? I truly wish it were as easy as the quotes... While I believe they are all good, when I'm trying to go to sleep and my mind is racing in every direction.... one of those being every negative thing that gets thrown at me repeated over and over and over and over... I think you get the idea. Another reason I let it out is to help educate others of what it is like having a chemically imbalanced brain that doesn't just do or think the way one wants it to. But HEY!! I use EVERYTHING I have to try to not expose all my crazies to those I love. Another reason is so that others that are dealing with similar things do not feel alone. Trust me, there are things I've read from other BP bloggers that have helped me tremendously... and sometimes it's just feeling like SOMEONE understands.

Now, If you'll please notice, I do not use any of my families real names, I do not send this to them. IF they come here, they do it in secret because none of them "follow" me or comment using public profiles... If you actually READ my whole blog, you will find that I truly love and appreciate my WHOLE family. So I hope you'll understand that in spite of having some really crazy moods since about last October (including some hypomania... look it up...) you will hopefully be impressed at how little my vents are directed towards them. And in regard to the quotes... There are times when I feel I can do ANYTHING and times I know I can do nothing... Those racing thoughts frequently DO bring about self-loathing. I can't tell you how many times I've thought of taking the exit route.... So, there are always several things always left UNDONE... that I possibly couldn't leave that way... but I could see those around me being better off not having the likes of me to deal with. And "Fake it till you make it" is my LIFE quote and I wish I could say I "make it" more than I do... But "Fake it" is the norm. So please learn more about the disorder and try to understand that I am trying the best I can, but without support from somewhere, the best I can won't go very far. I actually get more support HERE because this is where I open up. There are wonderful people here. I try to hide the things I go through around family because they DON'T understand... or even care much to. So I DO go hide because it will only cause more problems if I don't keep it to myself. They don't know how to FIX it... They CAN'T... But understanding would be nice.

Holly said...

Mehl, T, Alexis, Nett & Sarah,

I really AM hopeful the the CPAP does all the miracles that the doc hopes it will. Better quality sleep should do wonders for my outlook on life. Mood swings and ALL. ;D

Thanks for the love, understanding and support. I appreciate your kind words!

Annette: I just LOVE YOU!! I hope the FUNKIES leave soon, too! And you've even known me in PERSON!! You are AMAZING!!
(OK, Alexis & T, I know we went to lunch at CBC... but I went to jr high and high school with Nett... LOL!)

Tim: If this is you, Smiley, you need to make your profile public and I LOVE YOU, too!! Now you'll know more about ME, if you're not afraid of it... ;p

Weezer said...

I think I somehow failed to notice all the bipolar things. Who would have known? I'm truly interested. And I'll be more attentive now as just what your mood is doing. I understand. Really. (No details at this time.) Just trust that I do.
Chin up. Shoulders back. And march into tomorrow.
that's the girl!
Hugs and blessings.

Weezer said...

I think I somehow failed to notice all the bipolar things. Who would have known? I'm truly interested. And I'll be more attentive now as just what your mood is doing. I understand. Really. (No details at this time.) Just trust that I do.
Chin up. Shoulders back. And march into tomorrow.
that's the girl!
Hugs and blessings.

Holly said...

Thanks for the understanding and encouragement Weezer!!

OK, so why do I think of Weezer from Steel Magnolias when I read that?? BTW, I LOVE WEEZER!! ;D

Tim said...

Here is the textbook answer to bipolar disorder.

Bipolar disorder is a lifelong condition that can affect both how you feel and how you act. It is a mood disorder that can cause extreme swings in mood—from manic highs to depressive lows.

Most people with bipolar disorder when ill or when symptomatic experience more lows than highs. These lows are known as bipolar depression. It's easy to feel like you're fading into the background when you're living with bipolar depression. However, bipolar depression doesn't have to consume you.

I put this here because I do believe this is a real disorder. I also believe that a person develops it rather than is born with it or it just happens to show up one day. Please don't get me wrong. I just believe that it can be unlearned if you teach your brain how with certain actions and alot of discipline.

Start by believeing in the idea that your family will listen and understand. Don't expect all to help, but they will listen. I also believe that if you open up your thoughts and feelings to your family they will bond closer to you. If your family is anything like mine, and I have a hunch it is, talking with drama to explain anything is like turning up the radio while having a serious conversation. Explain it the best you can, with Hubby's support, and offer suggestions, remedies, and solutions to STOPPING ALL THE MADNESS. Sorry, got carried away.

Just tell your bipolar twins to have a meeting of the minds.

"Now you wouldn't believe me if I told you, but I could run like the wind blows. From that day on, if I was ever going somewhere, I was running!" Forrest Gump

Holly said...

Unlearned, REALLY??

I believe that many have the genetic predisposition for it and life circumstances can cause it to further develop. But once the imbalance is there, although it can be somewhat controlled to varying degrees, it is not going away. Go study further.

I have also learned that there are many even IN the medical profession that have not been educated against the stigma attached to this. They either think you can "unthink" it, as you say, or that you will be an uncontrollable tramp that does drugs, an alcoholic, spends money as if it were water causing everyone she knows to go into debt due to frivolous spending and can't help but call all her friends and family at 3am and see nothing wrong with any of it.

So I choose to take the treatment and such up with a professional properly trained in the disorder, thanks. There are varying degrees and the imbalance is different even for everyone with it. If you think I wasn't in denial and fighting it for years, you're wrong and I STILL fight it... and the harder I've been trying the worse it has been getting. I DO handle it quite well for the most part but there are triggers that set things off and I know what some of those triggers are and avoid them. Sometimes things are completely out of my control. I TRY on a daily basis.

Sarah said...

I had to comment on Tim's comment but I noticed that you mentioned this too. Bipolar isn't learned, it's a chemical imbalance in the brain that we know very little about. It isn't necessarily "controlled" with medication either because the medication doesn't necessarily stop the imbalance. Basically, what the textbook said had a lot more context to it that you missed. I could post what mine says but I won't, let's just leave it at a chemical imbalance that Holly is handling with grace!!!

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