". . . our stories are what make the difference, and if we can tell them honestly we can hope to help each other. In the end, we have nothing to offer each other but our stories." ~ Emma Lou Thayne

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Confession Wednesday: I DRIVE ME CRAZY!!

Confession Wednesday Button

Karen is off on her dream trip in South America... you know... working hard trying to HELP PEOPLE and all that GOOD STUFF!! So I don't know if she has someone linking us up with this or not. BUT I have a confession, so I'll play along regardless. *sigh*

I've been working hard at trying to keep positive and do good things! However, this bipolar thing really is a PAIN and I WISH it would just GO AWAY!! I have been feeling like I'm in mixed mania lately. Counting blessings... yes, I still CAN see positives in my life... but that doesn't make the emotions go away or tasks any easier to accomplish. Some times are easier than others. I have to admit how incredible I found that things went as well as they did for Trek!! THAT was a MIRACLE!! I think I was hypomanic for most of that, which was the only way to function for it, I think... Although the first night I did have a bit of a melt down and hid in the Expedition hooked up to the trailer and just cried where no one could see me... I failed there, as 2 of the ladies on our committee did, eventually. Thankfully nothing was said about it later or I probably would have lost it again. (I know, I STILL have to do my BIG POST on TREK! Hopefully next week... ??? sidetracked, sorry)

I have been battling with some mixed emotions. I am SUPER EXCITED that this week we FINALLY get ALL of our children and their families together again after 3.5 years! YEP!! It's been 3 YEARS since they've ALL been together at the SAME time!! You KNOW that means UPDATED family PORTRAIT!! 

THIS was the last one from 2006:

And this was the one before that in 2001:

Then I get SUPER STRESSED... imagining EVERYTHING that could possibly go wrong. Everything they could judge me about, how much NOISE there will be, and WHAT DRAMA could unfold... My imagination RUNS WILD and I try to alter my focus to get it to STOP!! BUT the food I cook won't be good enough, if I need an escape then I'm "ALWAYS on THAT computer... or SLEEPING..." I just would love to find some unconditional love or at least acceptance or understanding in the place that is supposed to be MY SAFE HAVEN... even an EFFORT in that direction??

I keep flip-flopping and it makes me sad that I have to have these intruding thoughts even come up... but I can't help it! I WANT to be that happy-go-lucky mom/grandma that can be EVERYTHING to EVERYONE... but these voices jump in there reminding me of all the hurts of the past, the pointed out inadequacies, the reminders that I don't measure up to the 1st MRS. Hubby, the judgments on cleanliness, etc... Then there are the grandkids that don't like me because I said "no" to this or that... (especially about my computer... they want to PLAY on my computer and that's a NO NO... Too many important client files... I can't risk it...) or have the attitude of the mom that can find no good about anything I do... NOTHING is good enough and her attitude transfers to them... (Let's just say, I will NEVER ASK for a HUG from them again...) 

THEN they are ALL SO ADORABLE and I just want to hug them and take pictures... SO I TRY to clean things up; spinning my wheels, going in circles... Crying, stressing... spinning my wheels some more... Going, going... NOT ACCOMPLISHING... I TRY to avert any possible conflicts... I take every precaution to not go over the deep end... then when I feel like I'm about to burst as I'm trying to FAKE my way through pretending... I have to disappear and go hide for a while to quietly sob into my pillow or in the corner of the closet... NO ONE REALLY understands and quite frankly... I DRIVE ME CRAZY!!! I WISH it were different.



4 comments:

T said...

family pictures drive me up a wall... that might explain why my six year old looks like an 18 month old in our "newest" picture... I swear it wasn't that long ago!!!

Kristina P. said...

We have a quarter size of your family, and the 2 kids were crying the whole time! But it was worth it for a great pic.

Lisa said...

Holly, darling, why is it you think YOU should be superwoman/new mom/grandma, and you wouldn't dream of putting the same requirements on someone else?

The judgment from your kids are based on false expectations, rose colored glasses remembrance from the past and paranoia. And then, a HEFTY dose of Satan thrown into the mix. He laughs and screams with mirth when a daughter of God questions the good she does.

Embrace those grandchildren. Smile at those step children. Do your best, order out, hire a housecleaner and go to Target to get something that brings a smile to your face before they get there.

Then get on your knees, as I know you do oft, and pray for a few more tender mercies. Surely, they will be given to you, for you are His.

Java said...

Yes Holly, Lisa is right! You don't need to be supermom/grandma! Just take each day at a time and enjoy what you have because one never knows what tomorrow will hold!

I am sending big hugs your way and I love you!!! :)

Take care and enjoy! NO STRESS!!!!

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