". . . our stories are what make the difference, and if we can tell them honestly we can hope to help each other. In the end, we have nothing to offer each other but our stories." ~ Emma Lou Thayne

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Afraid For Her!! Violence Unsilenced!!

Awareness Award Button
Mama's Losin' It

1.) In what way were you labeled as a child and how did it affect you?
2.) About me. Do you have an about me page? Because people want to know. Write a page that describes who you are and what you're about or spruce up your current about me page!
3.) A wardrobe malfunction.
4.) It was SUCH a big deal...write about a fight you got into that you were passionate about then, but that seems silly now.
5.) A time you feared for the safety of a loved one.
I chose:
5.) A time you feared for the safety of a loved one.
I am always afraid for the safety of my next younger sister. She has not known the right kind of LOVE in her life... EVER! She was abused from the time she was about 3 by the *pervert that sired her... She always seemed to be attracted to the WRONG GUYS... She got out of an abusive relationship, just to jump into a worse one.

NOW I am TERRIFIED for her safety! About a year ago there was so much turmoil because of this CREEP. His repetitive abuse, attempts on her life... Her ex reaking more havoc with their boys and using them as pawns... (He has physical custody because of the violence from the creep.) Between the attempts ON her life by HIM and then other attempts on her life from herself not being able to "take it anymore"... The emergency room, the treatment facility... I myself would get SO WRAPPED up in it all that I hit a slippery slope myself and plunged into some major depression. Someone please tell me HOW can I help her and not fall into the pits of despair in the process??? 

I am trying to understand how someone can live in an apartment, suffer tremendous abuse, scream out, be thrown into walls, etc... and NO ONE IN THE WHOLE COMPLEX will lift a finger to call 911!!???!!! When she got through to my mom on one occasion quietly asking her to come get her, mom called the police; they said there was nothing they could do.  ??? WTH?? My mom was in a different city and sis is always covering for his sorry butt because she doesn't want him to get MAD or get him in trouble!! UGH!! It was the same story with prosecuting her *male perverted parent figure... Come ON!! Is it worth a LIFE? Or someone you care about that tries to help? Over and over and over??? One time after a bad event he had LEFT and she wanted me to come to HER place to watch a movie with her because she didn't want to be alone. I wanted her to come to MY HOUSE where he didn't know where it was and we could REALLY be safer... She just cried and begged... So I stuck a knife in my purse and brought my dog... LIKE THAT would be any protection... I thought if anything, maybe a slight distraction. STUPID!!!

He's been in jail most of this year and life has been so much calmer. He gets out on Saturday. I am SICK! I am so frustrated that she won't just get a protective order and stay away from him!! ??? I am scared to death for her and I don't know what I CAN DO. But I DO know that I have a husband, children, and grandchildren that I have to consider and I don't want him knowing where my house is! I don't want to just go sit with her at her house again... But I LOVE HER and WISH I could DO something that could make a difference.

I wish she could see herself through God's eyes and realize that she DOES deserve better! She doesn't have to live this way... Our pleas, so far, have fallen on deaf ears. I pray that the day will come that she will have the courage to get out of this vicious cycle. In the mean time I PRAY... and I do FEAR for her... and in this circumstance, I DO think her boys should not be where they could be caught in any crossfire... I'm sorry... She doesn't understand that...

So while he's in prison he has been sweet and says he won't drink, do drugs, etc... and he won't hurt her again... It only takes ONCE!! ONE TIME to NOT be a survivor... That's too high a price to pay for someone that has made and broken those promises too many times before. What's he going to do? BEAT HER to a PULP in front of GUARDS?? Of COURSE he's being nice... GAH!!!!
If you or someone you love are dealing with abuse situations, I pray that you will seek the help you need to get out of that situation. You deserve better!! And YES!! I said someONE... men are also susceptible to abuse but report it even LESS due to embarassment. NO ONE deserves to be abused. PERIOD! Exclamation MARK to infinity and BEYOND!!!!!!!!


The cycle of violence in domestic abuse

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:
  • Cycle of violenceAbuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
  • Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
  • Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for theabusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
  • "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
  • Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
  • Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.
Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.

The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence: An Example

A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. Heplans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.

You're NOT ALONE! 
You DON'T have to live this way! 
Have a story to tell? 
Need HELP or someone to relate to? 

Resources for help, 

Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

UK Hotline: 0808 2000 247 
CANADA: Hotline: 1-800-363-9010 and Canada Abuse Directory
National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4A-CHILD
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

*As many would still call him her DAD or FATHER... I cannot!! A father PROTECTS his child from the likes of HIMSELF! A DAD selflessly gives of himself to bring joy to his child and raise them with their needs and with love! It is a selfless thing... NOT a sick, perverted thing... which this puke made it... 
ME? BITTER??? What makes you think so???


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amy said...

Oh my goodness, Holly. I am so sorry you have to deal with this and that your sister is suffering. I hope that the honeymoon phase (or fantasy) can last long enough for her to realize it isn't real and get out while she still can. Abuse is such an awful cycle and so often people who do get out only return to it with another abuser or a previous one.

Good luck and I hope today has gone well for her. Thoughts and prayers coming your way. (and your sister's).

jackie said...

Sorry to hear this. I really hope your sister will realize that this is not healthy, and she should definitely stay away from him.

Paula said...

Holly, so sorry. There is nothing you truly can do but protect yourself. Not going nuts over it. It sounds harsh however as long as she gets the slightest support it will keep her in this relationship. Please dont enable her. Using your example: offer her to come over for the movie OR she has to be alone. Whatever she chooses is her choice. Exactly as she chooses very day again to stay. I got asked WHY he could do this to me. I had no answer and didnt like to hear: because he can. He can because you are available. Bitter, but true. I learned it the hard way too. Love form my heart to yours.

BTW, I had to close down my personal blog due to stalking. My new is:

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