". . . our stories are what make the difference, and if we can tell them honestly we can hope to help each other. In the end, we have nothing to offer each other but our stories." ~ Emma Lou Thayne

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Awareness Wednesday: What's YOUR Cause? Link it up! - My Bipolar Moment

Awareness Wednesday Button

Monday I unraveled a bit. As my daughter and her husband (the smart alecs) like to say I "need to LICK a PILL"! BRATS!!! ;p  LOL!  Well, I swallowed the WHOLE DARN THING and it wasn't quite enough...

I really TRY not to bring up this bipolar thing too much. I like to pretend a bit like I can fake it away. I like to try to be positive. This blog actually helps me refocus at times... The meds do help a LOT; so it's not like I'm unable to have a good life... I DO!!! I REFUSE to let it define me as a person, I only DO bring it up because there does need to be more awareness about the disorder and people need to realize that it's not contagious, we're not going to go berserk on you, and when treated.. life CAN be quite fulfilling. However, we do have triggers, and sometimes as meds are being adjusted, you're not quite as balanced. Even WITH the meds, things aren't perfect, but they are MUCH better and more under control.

Silly things can sometimes become mountains. I was just rather down all day. First I didn't want to get out of bed... So for a LONG time, I didn't... Hubby's friend (who comes across as judgmental of me... to me...) was here which sent the spiral in motion. I was not coming out and buried my head and hugged my dog.

Can't even tell you how I spent most of the day... it's kind of a blur. But when it was too late to procrastinate feeding my family anymore, I proceeded to the kitchen. I had pulled some meat out to thaw, which hadn't. Strike one. Start looking through the pantry and trying to figure what can be made quick so I didn't have boys WHINING at me too long... 

Decided on a breakfast casserole... Start the hash-browns in the pan... start back on the griddle... crack open an egg over a cup... ??? WTH??? FROZEN??? GAH! Strike 2! "HONEY! The fridge needs to be adjusted!" Run eggs under warm water... add a bit of milk... WHERE'S the WHIP??? Things are NEVER where I NEED them to be. GAH!! Found it in another drawer... Whip the eggs/milk while pan is heating up.  ...and the SPATULA?? I hate that they're looped on these stupid hooks and bury each other so you have to pull everything down to get to the one you want.... AAAHHH... Strike 3 *I throw the others in a bowl on the table*  Set cup on counter while I turn the hash-browns... SPLAT!!!  pan handle bumped the cup with egg mixture and it SPLATTERED ALL OVER... Me, cabinets, floor... my SOCKS!! I screamed and hubby is asking what happened and I can't speak because I'm shaking and crying.. if I open my mouth it'll all blow!

He comes in and just starts helping clean it up without pointing fingers or telling me not to overreact, etc... Just HELPED... I LOVE THIS MAN!! My dog was trying to lick up the raw egg... how NASTY is THAT???  So I was able to get it cleaned up and compose myself enough to finish the meal... yeah... doubled the use of eggs on that one... 

Dinner on the table and 13 yr old decides what a PERFECT time to complain and argue about EVERYTHING!! I end up with tears streaming again... that's when I decide to take a Lorazepam (gen, for Ativan  I use when my anxiety is over the top beyond the norm... We call it my chill pill...)  Settled down again... FHE... 13YO continues badgering throughout... but at least now I'm not wanting to strangle him... just ground him from everything fun for LIFE!!! I opt to just not speak to him so hubby doesn't have to have this ongoing battle to be in the middle of...  *sigh*   Things were much better when he went to bed! But then my anxiety and frustration is still off the charts and I can't sleep.

This gives a small glimpse into some of the pathetic anthills that can become a mountain in my mind... But it isn't always this way and we are always trying to get the right cocktail of meds that will fix the chemical imbalance in my brain. We're actually much closer now than we've ever been. So that's a good thing. 

The thing that bothers me and makes me want to become an anti social hermit at times, is people that are ignorant of what it's all about. I used to never tell ANYBODY... like it's something I should be ASHAMED of... The more education about my condition I receive, the more I realize that it is my responsibility to let it be known and try to help people understand it more. There is a stigma that is so strong that people who need help will live in denial and not get help. These people COULD have a much better life by knowing WHAT their demon is so they can learn their triggers, get counseling and medication to help, and live a more fulfilling life. Unfortunately, some that refuse to acknowledge their condition frequently end up as substance abusers, commit crimes, don't handle money well, and some become violent... ALL of which makes the rest of us seem to be the same just because we share a condition. (I COULD make some REALLY inappropriate comparisons here... but SEE? I am RESTRAINING... because I KNOW I shouldn't.)  ;p 

Wouldn't it be better to put your arms of acceptance around someone and applaud them for being responsible about their condition rather than judgmental??? I have had people tell me not to label myself... (WTH?? If I said I had Diabetes, would that be "labeling" myself or helping others understand I have some limitations? NO DIFF PEOPLE...) They've told me to get over myself, to think it away... it's in my head (DUH! It's a chemical imbalance IN MY BRAIN) and to serve others and I'll forget my own problems. OH!! Or to have more FAITH... pray more... study scriptures more... REPENT to lift my BURDEN??? OF WHAT??? Having a medical CONDITION??? GEEZ!!! To those people... PULL YOUR HEAD OUT of the SAND (SEE!! I CAN exercise restraint, too...LOL!) take the time to learn a little more so you don't spew your ignorance and make someone's condition monumentally worse. EVERY TIME it sends me into a tailspin... Just sayin'...

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*Click the Awareness Button at the TOP to be taken to the Awareness page where the Linky is if you'd like to link up YOUR awareness post. Ones shared on the Linky I feature on a Awareness Wednesday in the near future.  ;D


⚜ ↁℯℬℬᴵℰ⚜ said...

This is really encouraging to hear. Medicine can and is a wonderful thing when people really need it. I am happy to hear you so upbeat and positive. I am following you and would love for you to come and do the same.

Angie said...

My cousin has bi-polar and has had many emotional breakdowns over the years.

It is sad to know there is such a stigma around it.

curlie girlie said...

It sounds like you are dealing with your condition well...it's hard not to listen to the rude people but do your best not to. People are just ignorant.
I'm your newest follower from Welcome Wednesday - come follow me too! :)

Shell said...

I think it's a brave thing you are doing- to help bring awareness to it!

Karen Peterson said...

I'm sorry, Holly! Posts like these are so helpful, though, for those of us that don't really know what it's all about.


Jo-anne "Blossy" said...

Holly, I think you are such an amazing person! I also know that awareness & knowledge is power. Posts like this are just wonderful in helping others learn. You rock!

Julie Musil said...

Sending hugs your way. And your hubby sounds like a sweetheart.

Garden of Egan said...

I think we all have overwhelming days, or moments. But for those who struggle with depression and anxiety it can be so dang hard.
It is such a guessing game with correct meds and stuff.
I see a bit of this in my work and it's heartwrenching. People that suffer feel so judged and misunderstood.
You are right, we need to accept everyone and try to be more loving.
YOU are wonderful.

brokeBride said...

Hi there! I'm a new blog follower via Google Friend Connect. I love your blog! Hope you'll check out my blog and follow back! Have a fabulous day and blog on!
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shah wharton said...

Hey - I linked up #3. I've been promoting it everywhere so I hope we get some supporters take interest and at least read our posts. Thanks for hosting. Hugs - i know wht bipolars like chick - can be heaven or hell lets face it. Shah .X

My World said...

I hopped over to your blog from words in sync.

Your kitchen "crisis" sums up the strings of anthills that can happen throughout the day to create the person my family often finds at night if I am not in a good place. I like how you were able to look back and break it down step by step as one thing built upon another.

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